Orochimama

I returned to the bridge without Mei, the woman going her separate way. She had people that would be wondering what was taking her so long back in Mist very soon if she didn't get back quickly. I was then in Wave alone, all my soldiers had retreated with our stolen goods, for now. We'd wait until Konoha finished sticking their nose into the area before reopening everything here.

I needed to get out of Wave too. I had no question in my mind that Kakashi had managed to somehow get a message off, even if he had to pay for a courier to run there himself. I didn't need to still be here when reinforcements arrived. Anything from a team of highly skilled jounin to the Hokage himself could arrive. Best for everyone if I wasn't still here.

I still had three more things to do before I could complete my full Wave bingo card though.

Things had calmed down. All of Gato's men were going through the process of being restrained and relieved of their weapons while a very tired Sasuke and an energetic Naruto watched. Kakashi still sat by Zabuza, an odd air of commiseration between the men. Haku was standing stock still as a half conscious Sakura leaned against him.

"Sorry for ducking out like that. I had to make sure Mei was taken care of properly!" I said to announce my presence.

Kakashi sagged further and smacked his head against the guardrail behind him.

"If you are here to kill us, please do it now, it's only polite." Kakashi groaned.

"Ara ara. Kakashi-kun, it's no good for a young man like you to talk like that." I tutted. "You have much longer to live. No, I'm just here for some last few things."

I turned my gaze to Zabuza. A moment of staring had the man give a shrug.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm in. You'll have to get me out of here though. I'm not gonna be able to run and keep up with you."

I clapped my hands together. "Excellent!"

"Haku-chan. Are you coming along for the ride?" I asked the ice nin and caught a glance at Kakashi. The man was trying very hard to not seem interested and perplexed about what I was doing.

"I go where Zabuza-sama goes." Haku said without hesitation.

"Wonderful! Please get Zabuza-kun ready for travel." I order as I walk towards the still sitting Kakashi. Then, I bowed at the waist towards the man.

"Kakashi-kun. I apologize."

"Sorry for what?" Kakashi asked slowly, as he very carefully shifted his weight to be ready to move quickly.

"For all the trouble in this mission and the massive amount of debriefing and paperwork you're going to have to do." I said genuinely. Kakashi's whole team would probably be questioned for two or three days straight after all this.

Kakashi turned pale as death.

"I'm just here to say the last goodbyes before leaving. Feel free to lay there and look non-threatening while also looking for a way to kill me." I said in a motherly tone and then turned my back to him. "Sakura-chan. I didn't speak with you much, but it was nice meeting you."

"Huh? Oh. Um. It was nice and weird meeting you." She slurred.

"You have the makings of a great kunoichi. You just need to apply yourself a bit more and pick a specialty to go into, and you'll go quite far. If you are as smart as I think you are, medic would be a good place to start."

Sakura stared at me blankly.

Probably better to have this sort of conversation another time, but it was all I had.

I walked to my next two targets.

"Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun. I just wanted to say goodbye before I left."

"Awww. You gotta go Orochi Lady?" Naruto whined. Like full on four year old told to go to bed whined.

"Yes, Naruto-kun. Best for everyone if I head out before I bring more trouble down on everyone. Though I wasn't going to just disappear without saying goodbye to the future Hokage."

His face turned bright as the noon sun, and the trip became so very worth it.

"You bettcha! I'll be sure to be Hokage and make sure everyone treats you nice, dattebayo!"

"I'm sure you will Naruto-kun. If you listen to your teacher and do things the right way, and not just the way you want when training."

"You bet!" He yelled before smacking a fist into his palm.

Cute kid.

Sasuke watched me with suspicion, still trying to figure out my angle. The look on his young face though made him look more pouty than he intended though. A look that would serve him well if here were in a teenage boy band. That was a face tweens would put on a poster.

"Good-bye Sasuke-kun. Keep healthy and pick up a hobby or something. A guitar would greatly help your future."

Sasuke looked at me as if I had put pants on my head and declared myself Empress.

I left him to the confusion and instead walked to Tazuna.

"Tazuna-san. I wanted to say goodbye. I'll have to come back sometime to see the bridge finished."

"Leaving so soon!?" Tazuna gasped, "I thought for sure you'd stay for the party!"

"As much as I would enjoy staying and getting drunk and handsy, I have to go. If I stay too long more trouble will show up for you." I give a shrug of my shoulders.

"Oh. Well I wish you the best! When you do come back you won't even recognize Wave anymore!"

I didn't tell him I'd be coming back much sooner than that. Don't need him tipping off Konoha about my interest in Wave yet. The ownership in the Pink Canoe will get to be a pleasant surprise to everyone in a few weeks.

"Thank you Tazuna-san. I'm sure that people will soon be flooding into wave to start up trade once again. You did it. It took help, but you saved Wave."

I left the man with him standing up more straight and proud than I had ever seen before.

"Tsunami-chan." I called out. The woman looked over towards me. Her hair frizzed, blood splatter still on her, a fierce image in contrast to her kind smile.

"Orochitama!" She responded. "Thank you for the help. We couldn't have managed all this without you."

"Yes, you could have." I responded.

Tsunami shook her head in disagreement, but didn't argue further.

"So, you're leaving?" She asked with disappointment.

"Yes. If I don't there will be another fight. Possibly even more destructive than the last one. As much as I'd love to let me show you all your appreciation, I should go now."

"Oh. I see."

Silence stretched for a moment as I found myself lingering. I'd flirted with the woman for days and she didn't seem to catch any of it. It felt odd just leaving it there.

So I stuck my foot in my mouth.

"So next time I come back, would you like to have sex?"

"Oh?" Tsunami said with confusion before widening her eyes. "Oh! Um...we are both women aren't we?" She asked in confusion.

I could hear the sounds of both Kakashi and Tazuna collapsing into hacking coughs.

"Yes." I laugh and give a shake of my head. Yeah. This sweet innocent child wasn't going to accept. "Never mind Tsunami-chan. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Instead we'll just chat, have a meal, go shopping, and plot world domination."

"Oh, that would be- wait, what was that last one?"

"Good-bye Tsunami-chan." I turn my back and grab hold of Zabuza, throwing one arm over shoulder, Haku took the other, and we left Wave behind.

There was an awkward amount of silence for our first thirty minuets of travel.

"Sorry the nice lady didn't want to sleep with you?" Haku finally said hesitantly.

I gave a snort.

"It happens. It's probably for the best. I'd probably bring more trouble into her life."

We lapsed to silence again. In hindsight I'd feel sorry for them, how does one comfort their new boss on a failed romance? That is if Zabuza hadn't felt the need to open his mouth.

"So what am I getting paid?"

I suppressed a sigh. Back to business.

----

Nara Shikaku had a talent for being able to tell when things had gone to shit before anyone else noticed. Usually it was small details out of place in the field, or the way a client avoided mentioning something, or one memorable time by the way he knew Fire Fletchings reacted to high pitched noises. It was rare that he was absolutely certain things had gone to shit in the first word of a message.

He saw "Orochimaru" and immediately ordered a team assembled. As he read through the message he knew which one it should be. He read through the missive. It was short and light on details, but that was normal for Kakashi. He tended to give more information in person. It was a good security measure. Shikaku handed the report to the Hokage personally but didn't remain a moment longer. Their Jinchuriki, the Last Uchiha, and one of their most promising jounin were staring down the edge of a very large blade. There were few that could offer backup.

So, Shikaku picked up the only ones he knew stood a chance that were currently in Konoha. Pulling them all away from their other responsibilities with a single word.

It was nice to be with his old team again, though difficult to enjoy with the task ahead.

"Yosh! If we don't get to Kakashi in time I'll run around Konoha on my hands five hundred times!" A voice screamed to the heavens.

Well, his team plus Gai.

"Quiet. We are starting to get close." Shikaku chastised.

Gai quieted down immediately. The Jounin Commander would be more irritated with the man if he didn't know he was just trying to keep spirits up. That was hard to do when you knew you were running into Orochimaru and another unnamed S-Class threat.

"Shikaku." Inoichi stated. "Arriving tired won't help things."

The Nara had to mentally weigh that information. Going tired would be bad, arriving to find dead bodies would be worse.

"Fine. Five minutes to drink some water and catch our breath."

Choza gave a pleased grunt.

The team jumped down from the trees and began to steady their breath. Shikaku took a long drink from his canteen.

"So what are the mission details? You mentioned Hatake's team and Orochimaru but nothing else." Inoichi asked, leaning back into the tree opposite of Shikaku.

"Not much. Kakashi's always light on details. But we know for certain that one Momochi Zabuza is there, plus intel was received that another S-class ninja was on its way."

"Orochimaru?" Choza asked.

"No, another one, identity unkown."

"Orochimaru, Zabuza, and another unknown?" Gai asked in a grave tone. "I don't know that this team is ready for that."

It was rare that Gai, of all people, would admit such a thing.

"Orochimaru is not sided with Zabuza and the unkown at the time of the message. In fact, Kakashi stated there was some tentative alliance."

"With Orochimaru?" Inoichi gave about as much credit to that thought as he would to his daughter declaring she intended to marry a Nara. Somewhere in the range of hell freezing over.

"I don't doubt there are ulterior motives, but there is a good chance that our team buckled down and let the big guns have it out."

"Sounds like Kakashi's style." Choza commented.

"This could all be a trap and we're about to run into more firepower than we can handle." Inoichi stated. "But we also can't pass up finding out more about what Orochimaru's been doing. He's been dark on our radar for years."

"Primary mission is recovering Team 7." Choza spoke up.

Shikaku didn't argue that the sentence should have been a question. It didn't matter what else they did, Choza would be busy making sure the kids all got out, and by extension that meant all of them would be making that decision too.

"When we arrive on site target the unknown with everything we have if we have the shot. Taking them out will make our job easier, regardless of which way the chips fall. Zabuza would be the next target."

He received a group of nods. Ino-Shika-Cho didn't need anything beyond that, years of teamwork had drilled into them an ability to plan and move around each other to become far more than their individual parts. Throw in Gai whose strategies were always straight forward and easy to plan around, and they had a team that stood a good chance of beating Orochimaru.

"Lets go." He called.

The group dashed off.

It took only a few more minutes to arrive on scene. A massive bridge the likes of which Shikaku had never seen before, sat before them. In moments they had managed to jump onto the bridge, hearts pounding and weapons in steel gripped hands. Just as they were about to crest the side of the bridge a mop of silver hair poked over the side.

"Yo." Hatake said with all the energy of a corpse.

The team slid to a stop as Shikaku began to check for any signs of a genjutsu.

"Kakashi! My eternal rival! We have come to aid you in your efforts against this mighty foe!" Gai yelled.

Kakashi glanced to the man in green spandex.

Then he looked back to Shikaku.

"Go ahead and bring your team up Commander. Things are already wrapped up."

"Kakashi! Always with that hip attitude!" Gai bemoaned but the rest of the team relaxed just a bit.

It was old hat, that interaction between the two, but it was one that an outsider wouldn't easily know how to replicate with genjutsu. Still, ever cautious, he and his team team went to the top and peaked over.

Civilians, more than a hundred of them, were shoving bound thugs into the back of some sort of cart. All of Team 7 was accounted for, though bloodied, tired, and in one case possibly drugged. His team finished getting on the bridge and Shikaku took charge.

"Report Hatake."

"All hostiles have left the area. Battle began about five hours ago. I engaged with Zabuza while Orochita- uh Orochimaru engaged with the unknown S-Class nin. Orochimaru won. Zabuza backed down after his client tried to double cross him after which the locals overthrew his client."

Alarm bells went off in the Nara's head. Kakashi wasn't the type for a slip of the tongue. But there was a more important question.

"How are you certain Orochimaru has left the area?"

"Well she said good-bye, made one last pass at my client's daughter, then grabbed a man to do who knows what with."

There were too many things in that sentence that needed a whole lot of context. Shikaku's mind whirled as he attempted to arrange the words in some sort of sense.

"Kakashi." Inoichi stated, stepping forward. "I believe I speak for my entire team when I say this." The blond cleared his throat. "What the actual fuck?"

"Hm? Oh, yes. Orochimaru is a promiscuous busty lady now." Kakashi turned a page in his book. "Oh she also managed to steal all of the money from Gato of Gato Shipping and now owns more money than some Daimyos."

Silence reigned for a few more moments.

That had so many implications. That was a lot of money that Orochimaru could use for very not nice things. The other part...well he was still working on that.

"It might be a fake out. We should still be on guard." Shikaku ordered, trying to get his team to stay alert.

"Yeah, she could have been lying at breakfast." Kakashi nodded, still covering most of his face with his book.

"That's not funny Kakashi." Choza spoke up. "This is serious."

Kakashi lowered his book and Shikaku saw a man stressed to the point of snapping looking back at him. Kakashi wasn't joking.

"I am being serious. I had breakfast with her. Several times."

There was too much going on, but there was a question Shikaku had to ask.

"Kakashi...did you fuck Orochimaru?"

"No. Though she did show up and give training tips to my team, fed us lobster, caviar, and wagyu beef. She also stated that there's a team of S-class ninja's running around that we should look out for that also want to kill her. Oh, also that Obito is alive and a member!" The man let out a tight laugh. "So, ya know...just the usual."

What? That was...what?

Right. Kakashi might have gone crazy. Best to confirm this with the rest of them.

"Why don't you sit down for a bit Kakashi. We'll take it from here." Shikaku said carefully as the man shrugged and sat back against the wall, one more burying his face into his book. Shikaku turned to his team. "Separate Team 7. Kindly. Don't let them think something is wrong, but don't give them a chance to come up with a cover story together. Inoichi, check Kakashi for mental tampering."

Shikaku felt a headache coming. This would bring days of work for him, he wouldn't be coming home at night even, his wife was going to get pissy with, he'd probably actually have to spend time with Danzo. All that money going into Orochimaru's hands would mean the Daimyo would have to be brought in and-

"Hey." Choza stated, putting a hand on Shikaku's shoulder. Smiling and happy. "They're all alive."

Then his red headed friend walked over to the Uchiha. The Nara changed his mindset with a force of will. Any day that all of a team made it home was a good day.

"Shikaku." Inoichi said, standing up from where he had placed a hand on Kakashi.

He was already done? That had to mean that Kakashi didn't fight it, something the man always did.

"Let me guess. No signs of tampering."

"None. Considering who we are dealing with, we still need to get him back for deeper testing, but I'd say he's a very stressed but sane man."

Fuck. That means he'd have to put this in a report.

"Nose goes for telling the Hokage that his student's a floozie." Shikaku announced and touched his nose.

A moment passed "Fuck! Come on guys? Really? Don't make me." The Yamanaka whined.

"If I may." Kakashi offered suddenly. Causing Inoichi and Shikaku to turn towards him. "I've got a very energetic gennin that would absolutely love to tell the 'Old Man' all about the nice pretty lady he met on his mission."

A grin tugged at Shikaku's mouth.

"There's a reason you are my favorite jounin." Shikaku smiled.

"Just so long as I get to be there. With a camera." Kakashi said as he turned his page.

Sometimes, when faced with the massive amount of bullshit that the ninja world threw at you, you could choose to suffer or find a way to laugh and ride the wave. That usually meant gallows humor, which this was, because someone would almost certainly be dying from it.

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