Resetting Lady

The beginning is always the same.

The gray sky, the drizzling rain, the muddy, barren garden. The chill in the air, the mud-stained nightgown. The gash on her throat that stung. If she didn’t go back to the mansion soon, the gardener would find her. Near her feet, she picked up the rope.

“…That version of me a hundred years ago. I wonder if I wanted to die back then, too.”

She held up the noose and muttered, I failed. Again. Judging by the gash made by the rope on her neck, she failed to die all those years ago as well, even before this perpetual repetition started happening.

Unlike the damp hallway, the room inside was warm. The temperature was better due to the thick fur quilts that blocked out the cold and the fire that burned in the fireplace.

She took off her dirty clothes, but did not throw them into the fireplace. Instead, she placed them by the hearth. So, the flames continued to burn, it continued to be warm. She looked at the naked woman looking back at her from the mirror. And, she shrugged her shoulders.

“Failures happen in life, don’t they?”

She sat in a chair, looking at paper and ink. Dipping the pen in ink, she wrote on the paper.

[ How old am I? ]

Carynne laughed at herself for a while, dotting the question mark. It’s hard to count how many times she died because of Dullan.

Well, after everything that happened, did it even matter now how many times it’d been?

[ My name is Carynne Hare. ]

She pressed the pen firmly. The writing was neat and elegant. There was no anger or madness. Carynne smiled. Failure again. This time again. But it’s okay. She was not starting from the beginning. She was waiting for Raymond, and they would take on this challenge together.

She was always herself. Her name was Carynne Hare. But now it’s not the beginning. Her life isn’t a repetition. Now Raymond remembers. Carynne got up and walked to her room.

She looked at the coin. She didn’t want to engrave a new number. She didn’t need evidence. No need to struggle desperately. Now they can try together. Life can move forward with just one other person. I am not starting from the beginning.

“Ugh.”

it was no longer needed. Carynne threw the coin into the fire.

Slowly, its edges began to melt. Carynne watched it calmly.

A bit regretful, but relieving. It’s a meaningful act in its own way. What matters was not the remnants of the coin but the person, Raymond, with her. So, she wasn’t scared anymore. She didn’t need to be anxious. She knew she could wait for him even if he’s not here now.

How should she live this time? What would be a good way to go about this?

She felt light. It seemed good to think slowly before Raymond arrived.

Carynne changed her clothes and fell asleep.

A comfortable and sound, deep sleep.

* * *

“You’re up now?”

“Oh my, Miss, you woke up early. Are you alright?”

“Not completely alright, honestly. I know that my memories have been erased, so…”

Clatter.

“Uh, w-what?”

Carynne chuckled. She probably didn’t need to threaten Nancy. She could just ask, and Nancy would answer. Nancy was softer and more fearful than she seemed.

“We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”

* * *

“What’s the point of living a life like that?”

Catherine looked at Carynne with tearful eyes.

“I wish you would find true love. I wish you wouldn’t live like us, like me and our mothers. It’s nothing. This is… Carynne, Carynne. Listen to me. You’re going to live very, very long. Mom and Dad are just for a moment, and your life will be fixed at seventeen, choosing someone to be the father of a child for a long time. You’re a princess. You have to wait for your prince.”

“I don’t need that!”

“You’re young. You’ll understand Mom as you grow older. This is the gift I can give you. I had no other choice. But you can choose…. It’s just our fate. And someday you’ll come to see it as a blessing.”

As Carynne aged, her seizures increased.

“Who am I? Where is this? Where did my mother go?”

The brainwashing became more perfect as time repeated. It started when Dullan began bringing in tranquilizers to the Hare mansion.

[ It is all thanks to Your Lordship that I’ve been studying well. Enclosed with this letter is some medicine that can help Carynne. ]

That bastard Dullan.

I should have fed you to the dogs.

Carynne gritted her teeth. But her anger didn’t last long. Her memories sporadically faded away.

‘I need to remember…’

Every time she tried to recall her memories, Carynne desperately wrote something down. Even if the memories were lost, perhaps the records could remain.

“My name is, my name is Carynne Hare.”

Carynne repeated to herself.

“If I lose it, I can read it. Even if the memory is gone, the record remains. Read the letters. Just read, and it’ll be okay.”

She ingrained this strongly. Even if she forgets, she can read her book. She became obsessively convinced of this. Just read the book. Read my writings. I exist within these pages. The writings will help bring back the memories.

Carynne clung to her book every night, muttering to herself.

To live again? So, I’m supposed to die on my seventeenth birthday? I don’t believe it!

True love will break the spell? Don’t make me laugh.

Carynne trembled. She didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to forget.

Remember and… run away.

But where? How? She couldn’t even go to the village without a carriage. Carynne cried in frustration. But her crying didn’t last long either. Mom is too much. But Catherine was already dead.

Carynne desperately wrote, beginning to identify herself with her books. They were her only means of salvation, the only channel that wouldn’t betray her. She mustn’t forget to read. Carynne clung to that one thing. The book, the book, the book. The words I’ve written.

I am as much a book.

This is as much my life.

“What’s this?”

But when the maid found it, that too ended.

“Milord, the Miss wrote this…”

“Give it back! That’s my diary! It’s private!”

The fief lord slowly flipped through Carynne’s diary, seeing the raw anger and hatred within. He sneered bitterly.

“Catherine, she… Child, your mother didn’t want this. The more you do this, the more I am convinced of my actions.”

“Dad, Dad, you know… I sometimes want to kill Mom.”

“Carynne, you forgot again.”

Then, the lord threw the diary into the fireplace. No! Her scream was swallowed by the fire. The fief lord spoke to Carynne, who was in tears.

“Your mother already died years ago.”

With a grim expression, the fief lord instructed Nancy.

“Tell her brighter, happier love stories instead of such dark tales. Let my daughter yearn for love.”

“Yes, Milord.”

Nancy ordered various romance novels and read them to Carynne every night. Initially, Carynne fiercely resisted.

“Don’t tamper with my memory!”

But even her shouting was short-lived. She soon forgot.

“Once upon a time…”

Lying in bed, Carynne asked Nancy with a tired voice. Her hands and feet were tied to the bed. She was exhausted. Carynne couldn’t understand her maid.

“…Did you prefer living like this? Weren’t you a free gypsy before?”

Why give up your freedom to torment me? But Nancy shook her head, giving Carynne a kiss of pity on her forehead. Miss, you don’t understand anything. What it’s like to live outside. The uncertainty of life. I prefer restraint. Restraint brings protection.

“I don’t starve, and living in this mansion is enough for me. And Miss, don’t be too scared. You have nothing to fear.”

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