There was blood behind Chu Yun's closed eyelids, staining the inside of his eyes. He wanted to open them, but he was afraid the whole world would be tinted red too.
He became aware of his surroundings slowly, when his eyes finally fluttered open he was relieved to find the world around him simply blurry instead of bloody.
But then came the pain.
A sharp stinging pain radiating from his abdomen.
A pain that reminded him something had been taken from him.
His hands flew to his stomach and he was startled at how much it had deflated. There was still residual roundness to it, but already it was nothing like the swollen bump he had grown used to in the last months.
His throat issued a mournful sound, almost like some bird's cry -- lamenting the loss of something it would never get back.
A hand landed gently on his shoulder. "You should lay still. Don't try to move."
Chu Yun looked to his left and found Gu Wei standing by his side, mixing powders into a bowl.
"Where--?, are they--?"
"They're both fine," Gu Wei said, guessing what Chu Yun was about to ask. "Xiao Zai is with them. He was beginning to panic because you wouldn't wake up, so I told him to take them and go for a walk."
Chu Yun frowned. "They need to eat."
"We've called a wet nurse in the meantime." His expression took on a melancholic quality. "Don't be upset, but you probably won't have much milk. Male omegas already rarely have more than a month's supply. Considering you're an alpha, I don't expect you to have even that."
That wasn't upsetting. Chu Yun was well aware that beyond biology several factors could dry up milk, so of course he didn't take it personally.
He was a little disappointed, that was all.
The pain made his eyes sting.
"It hurts," he admitted, worried it meant something wasn't right.
Gu Wei nodded. "It will continue to hurt for a few days, but it will hurt a little less each day."
That wasn't reassuring, but there was nothing Chu Yun could do about it.
"I have never told Xiao Zai about his own birth, but I'm going to tell you."
Chu Yun stiffened on the mattress.
He was sure he didn't want to hear it. Gu Wei's tales had a tendency to reveal horrors beyond Chu Yun's comprehension.
But there was no stopping Gu Wei once he started talking. "I spent an entire day trying to get help, I was in so much pain I could barely walk. It got so bad that I had to crawl. It took me that long to realise no help would come. Xiao An meant for me to die with his child inside me."
Gu Wei's words came out ragged, as if they were sacks of stones he was dragging through a muddy riverbank. "I understood then, what I had to do. If I wanted to save myself and my child, I had to deliver him myself."
A shudder went through Chu Yun. The blood returned to his vision, tunnelling it in darkness.
"I had a good idea of what needed to be done, and how important it was to prevent infection. I had no illusion that someone would take care of Xiao Zai if I died." His eyes were dark as flint, bottomless as a still lake.
He turned his gaze to Chu Yun, chilling him to the bone, and with his finger drew a crooked line over his lower abdomen, above his robes. "Do you know that your body tries to prevent you from injuring it? Do you know how much you need to struggle to push past that resistance and cut yourself open like that?"
Chu Yun closed his eyes, swallowing drily. "Why are you telling me this?"
"So you'll know that the worse scars aren't visible to the eye." He placed a palm over his lower abdomen again. "This scar reminds me that I survived." He lifted the hand to his chest, over his heart. "But the scar here, reminds me that I should never have had to go through that."
The back of Chu Yun's throat hurt. He wanted Gu Wei to leave.
He wanted Xiao Zai and he wanted to see his children.
"What do you want from me?" he asked through gritted teeth.
Did Gu Wei expect him to tell him it was fine, that he had made it possible for him to get pregnant without his consent? Did he hope that because his experience was so much worse than Chu Yun, the he would feel bad for him?
"I'm just telling you that you don't come out of something like that the same person." He smiled down at Chu Yun, it didn't match his dark eyes. "I don't want anything from you, I just wanted to tell you, that birth doesn't define us. Xiao Zai was born in the worst possible way a person could be, and I'm convinced there's no better person in this world."
Chu Yun agreed, but that still didn't explain...
He went very still.
"They aren't alphas, are they?"
Gu Wei shook his head. "I could be mistaken about the boy, although I don't think I am, but the girl is obviously not an alpha."
"Did you think I wouldn't love them if they weren't alp--" Chu Yun pinched the bridge of his nose to stave off his tears.
He wondered how Gu Wei could have such a constantly low opinion of him. After everything.
"I didn't think that, but I feared you might be... disappointed."
"You feared wrong."
"I'm glad to hear it."
He glared at Gu Wei. "Regardless of what they are, my children are the heirs to the Zui throne. And I will make everyone who opposes them regret ever standing in their way."
Gu Wei's smile widened. He stood gracefully from the pillow. "Then we are of one mind. I'll take my leave and call Xiao Zai."
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